Gw tiba2 terinspirasi buat bikin post ini bbrp waktu yang lalu… Post tentang ketakutan2 gw… Am I generally a fearful person? I can’t really tell… Gw takut gelap, hantu, dan hal2 lain yg orang takut.. Tapi gw rasa2nya kliatan lbh GAK penakut dari sebenernya, mostly krn gw g takutan sm binatang, (kadal, ulet, kecoa, dkk) and I don’t scream on the sight of it (well, I’ll squeak in disgust when it’s a lizard), gw gak takut manusia (well, most of the time… (and I consider myself lucky to live in rather peaceful area)), also, as most human does, gw gak takut dengan hal yang bisa masih bisa dikontrol…
Anyway, ada beberapa hal yang bisa gw bilang merupakan ketakutan2 gw, dan kerap kali, ketika tiba2 terlintas dikepala dan keinget, gw bergidik ngeri… Dan yang penting adalah hal2 ini bukan sekedar gw takutin pas ada yang nanya (misalnya ada yg nanya: “lo takut gak sama singa?” itu pasti gw jawab takut lah…) Tapi yang gw tulis disini adalah hal2 yang gak ditanya jg gw udah takut… There are 5 things that I can’t think of, that I’m particularly scared of. Most of them are very normal. Let’s just start right away now…
1. Cancer
Bukan. Bukan zodiak. Gw takut kanker. Let me explain it through. Dari berbagai gejala penyakit yang bisa menimpa manusia –such as: headache, nausea, pain, etc-, I consider nausea as the most annoying and the most unbearable…
And as I imagine it, cancer would be all those symptoms, with nausea in domination, and other un-imaginable symptoms… It’s just plain scary. And I somehow developed a scary belief that this is the thing that will end my life. At least, I’m not gonna be the lucky person who’s all health up to the last day of their life, until they got heart attack/stroke and died in their sleep right away.
Keluarga gw sendiri gak punya sejarah kanker secara langsung.(There are a couple history of tumours though, including the one I had.) But I still can’t shake this thought…
2. Infertility
Okay, I have to tell you, writing this post is disturbing… And it gets more and more disturbing for me as it goes… Just as my scary belief for cancer, I think the very reason of me to fear it so much, is because I fell like it will happen to me. And I never, ever, been able to think that infertility is only something that happens to people, but will never get to me.
I’m not necessarily the kind of girl who grows up, craving for babies all their life (though I did grow up wanting to be a bride… LOL), and squeaks and giggles on the sight of babies and kids. I’m not even much into kids. But if this one really happens to me,, well, I can’t even tell you how I’d feel…
3. Death
Ok, I know what you must think right now, “death. everybody fears it.” Cuma gw suka sok2 nganggep diri gw sedikit necrophobic. heheheh… Tapi sih ketakutan gw yang satu ini bukan sesuatu yang konstan gw alamin… Jadi blm pantes disebut phobia juga..
Tapi ada beberapa event yang membuktikan ketakutan gw ini. Pertama, pas gw kecil, gw takut sama bunga kamboja, gara2 katanya itu bunga orang mati… Suatu hari mbak gw di waktu itu, aka. pembantu gw, nemu bunga kamboja dan dibawa kerumah setangkai penuh bunga… Alhasil, gw gak mau mendekat dgn jarak 1,5 meter dari bunga itu dan seharian itu tiap mondar mandir rumah, gw ngider menjauh 1 meter tiap lewat tu bunga.
Kedua, di detik gw sadar bahwa (alm.) kura-kura gw udah mati gosong terpanggang, gw tiba2 takut setengah mati sama dan ngelempar dia. I didn’t even manage to bury it, and it was my little brother who did it… Same thing happens to the hamster babies who died not long after they’re born. Tapi, waktu yg tewas tanpa sebab adalah hamster gw yang gw sayang, si Hamu-hamu (hiks…) gw bisa banget nguburnya, bahkan gw elus2 dulu, plus pake acara foto2…
Dan gw lagi2 memang anaknya suka menghayal… Gw suka ngebayangin orang di sekeliling gw meninggal. BUKAN karena gw pengen itu terjadi, justru for the very reason that I don’t want them to die. Sering pikiran itu simply seputar “Siapa diantara kita (gw dan orang lain) yang akan mati duluan ya? What will the other do when it happens?”
4. Sister
It’s been quite a tense discussion hasn’t it? haha… Now let’s move on to the more silly part. (also the longest one, cause I like silly.) Gw terlahir sebagai si ‘anak perempuan satu2 nya’, dan gw gak tau rasanya gak jadi si ‘anak perempuan satu2 nya’…
Pastinya gw pernah ngebayangin yg namanya punya ‘saudara perempuan’… When I was younger I even thought my life is gonna be better if only I have a sister instead of either one of my brother… However, hehe, as I grow older, gw mulai mengembangkan imajinasi yang lebih gila tapi lebih realistis dan faktual. Imajinasi ini didasari satu fakta: “gw adalah si anak cewe tomboy dgn prestasi seminimal tinggi badan gw.” Gw pas2an di segala bidang selain bidang keberuntungan.
This got me wondering, what if I had a sister, who is, for example, girly. Simply girly. Well, at least my mom would like her better for that. Tapi gw masih bisa merasa “dia itu biasa, gw lebih gak biasa.” atau apalah.. I might not be bothered at all…
Then, what if ‘girly’ comes in package with diligence and obeisance…? Now, at least both my parents would like her better. Tapi gw masih bisa beralasan sama seperti diatas.
But things can get worse… What if this imaginary sister of mine is also taller, skinnier, prettier, and very FRIENDLY and OUTGOING and everything else I’ve never been (perhaps she plays music and/or speaks 3 foreign languages and/or sings very well and/or is a model and/or cooks and/or else…) Then not only my parents who would like her better. But EVERYONE.
Wanna know what can still make things worse? It would be THE imaginary sister above, only not girly. I’d be doomed.
Sisters does not always gonna turn out this way, tapi biasanya ketika gw udah sampe ke titik pemikiran ini, gw langsung mensyukuri satu2nya hal di gw yang lebih dari rata2: LUCK. My luck for not having a sister.
5. Younger Sibling
Oh, one more thing. I think I also fear of having another younger sibling. Even though that’s about impossible since my mom’s urethra has been removed. But I did had some nightmares (note that I call them nightmares) about my mom getting pregnant. Again. Most of it happen during the few first years since I got a younger brother…
