I am actually...

I am actually smart
I am actually pretty
I am actually talented

I am actually something...
(The followings are gonna sound really lame, and time wasting, so if u have anything better to do than reading this,, just go.)

See, that’s my problem...
All my life everyone always always see me as someone who’s ACTUALLY something...
Why can’t I just be something...
Even when I was still in elementary, people said that I’m actually pretty, hadn’t I kicked (or hit or punch or slap) every boys’ ass (or stomach or back or face or even their ‘thing’)

Now I understand people that are having mid-life crisis.
And as usual, I’ll put myself as the self-pitying character who might be having what I’d like to call a quarter-life crisis (if there’s any),, or an almost-quarter-life crisis, I’m 19, so... xP

I think I’ve wasted a lot. A LOT. Sh!t..
Even in elementary (when this all started), I wasn’t someone who’s actually smart.
I was smart. I think rather than being someone who becomes better day by day, I become worse. Sh!t..
I don’t turn out to be the person I wanted to be.

I wanted to be a lot of thing. I was taught well to dream.
But I wasn’t taught well to achieve it
I didn’t think I need to think it through step by step
I never see anyone in my family achieving their dream. Being someone they want to be, someone they’ve dreamt to be.

I was a kid, and I wanted to be a model. I was a children catwalk model. And if you see my photos as kid, damn!, I was a hell lot better than I am now. See, I’m degrading. AGAIN.

I was at sixth grade on elementary, and I wanted to be an astronaut. I was damn good at science. And now? I took social in high school and business in college.

I don’t even want to be an entrepreneur, and I chose business school anyway.
Well, maybe I do want. But it’s just the idea of everyone telling every student that they’re going to be an entrepreneur,, that just make it so hard to want it.
Stop telling me what to do, even if that’s what I’m going to do.
Instead of encouraging me, you’re stopping me.

Now let’s get back to the ‘actually’ part…
Well, this part, I can ‘actually’ fix it. I can start fixing it now, and maybe I’ll finish when I’m 40… I can fix it because I’m actually it, but what about the things that I’m not.
What about the things that I don’t have, but I want it.
Like, say, hmm, creativity…
Oh yeah, that one damn thing. I WANT IT.
You can’t even say that I’m actually creative, cause I’m not. Not a bit.
And I envy you people who have it. And it’s not the regular me to envy people. I’m usually content.

While I hate the idea that there’s nothing I can do, there’s nothing I can do. So, let’s get back to the ‘actually’ part again.

I struggled to be extraordinary, until at one point I realize that every ordinary people want to be extraordinary, and no extraordinary people struggle to be extraordinary. Then, I’m merely ordinary.
So I am, actually, smart. But people at most will only see me as actually smart, or simply dumb.

And when I look around,, damn, I’m a loser.
Cicu. She’s pretty, smart, a social butterfly, got a job and provide her own living, famous, kind, loved,, successful
Awen. She’s determined, ambitious when she needs to, giving, caring, hell of a kind person, got a job or two or three,, successful
Dito. He’s talented, creative, organized, do what he loves and love what he does, got a job or two, knows where he’s going,, successful
My mom. She’s independent, provider, teacher for her kids, great cook, a driver for herself and for her kids, ambitious, goal achiever, decision maker,, super successful.
Me. Doomed,, not successful.

I’m the kind of person who never how to answer “why should we give this scholarship/job/position to you?”
I don’t do anything outside my campus
I don’t do anything inside my campus
I don’t read educational magazine
I don’t do anything but having fun
I gotta stop
I gotta kick some ass, do some good, learn some real stuff,
And prove that I’m more than just actually something
I am something.

I’m gonna get over 3.5 GPA next semester! Mark my word…
And just so you know, even while writing it I already regret writing it.
I barely even get 3.0 last semester. I have no idea about this semester.
It feels so weird, wanting to study, when the final test is over.
My whole life is always the same story, studying when the final test is over.

But as I said, mark my words…
I’m gonna get it…
I’m gonna kick asses…
And I gotta get a job too I guess… I don’t know what is it with everyone and their job.. why is everyone having a job… but maybe that’s the new trend, let’s follow it…

Whatever I do, I’ll kick ass! Yeagh!

290708

00.00

Dito: “mand, anyway,, happy b’day ya…”

Mand: “masih 3 mnt lg koq… xP”

Dito: “jam gw udah koq…”

3 menit kemudian…

Dito: “mand, anyway,,,, lo nyebelin deh…”

Mand: “makasih… x)”

Dito: “waw….”

[sms] 12.00 – Mand,met ultah ya..he2 :P ~dito

Dilanjutkan dgn ada yg main gitar happy b’day smbil nyanyi…



[sms] 05.37 – amanda..selamat ulang tahun ya! Semoga bsa mngerjakan semua ujiannya dgn lancar. Amin. Dtunggu traktirannya! ~syita

[sms] 05.59 – mandaa happy birthday! Msh 19 taun kan? Hidup 89-ers! x’) btw sial, alarm reminder b’day lo lah yg membangunkan gue di pagi yg dingin ini… *tidur lagi* ~arum(labsky)

[sms] 05.59 – Met ulang thn ya semoga sukses selalu gbu ~rommy

[sms] 07.30 – HEPI B’DAY…moga panj umur,sehat selalu en tercapai apa yg u ingin kan..GBU en goodluck always he5… ~k’cindy

[sms] 09.42 – Manda happy birthday ya kapan ke sby? Skr di rmh sakitnya opa ada es teler n bakwan enak lho ~0816 542 48**, mgkn aris ato dewi

[sms] 11.01 – Mandaaaa HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! Have a good one darling. Altho lg ujian. Syp tau ur bday bring extra luck. Hahahaha. ~novie



11.30

Awen (by phone): “mand! Kunci locker di lo kan…? Gw lg di wc lt4 nih,, gw dapet…! Tlg ambilin di locker dong…”

Mand: “ ok2…”

Mand: “bentar ya, to,, si awen lg urgent condition”

Dito: “ok…”

Setelah nunggu lift lama….

*membuka locker…*

*menemukan sebuah kotak cd ber-cover ijo tua dan kado dgn bungkus recycled paper warna ungu*

*mikir…*

*geser 2 kado itu, ttp nyari softex*

Mand: “ok, awen trnyata gak urgent condition”

*ada yg muncul dari arah kelas2 dgn kue pm store di tgn knan n floating candle di tgn kiri*

Dito: “hehehehe… happy b’day… make a wish…”

*beranjak dgn nyengir2 n mo make a wish tapi…*

*lilinnya mati.*

Mand: “hahahaha”

Dito: *balik badan* “wen,, bagi korek lg dong……”

Awen: “huahahahahahahahaha…”



Album : amandAbsurdness – neunzehn jahre alt

Songs:

iCare4u - Rahadi Marsito & Amanda Siallagan

Schwarz Rot und Gelb - Rahadi Marsito

Love You Till the End - The Pogues

Banana Pancakes - Jack Johnson

Grow Old With You - Adam Sandler

Blackbird - The Beatles

Cayman Island - Kings of Convenience

Lullaby - Creed

Until - Sting

I’m Yours - Jason Mraz

Vocal: Rahadi Marsito

Guitar: Rahadi Marsito

Additional vocal on ‘Until’: Kelly ‘the sad looking golden retriever’ Semog Bella Donna


[sms] 11.52 – Rihanna, Angelina Jolie, Oprah Winfrey, and me Andreivie Prameshizta, all of famous woman in d world wishing u a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY,may wisdom come thru ur ages n God bless ur way. Have a nice bday! ~ephay


12.30

*masuk kelas auditorium gedung lama*

Cicu: “happy b’day to you…! happy b’day to you…!”

Sebagian kls di sudut kanan blkg yg isinya anak2 kls C: “happy b’day, happy b’day… happy b’day to you…!”

ujian TBI… super duper mudah… God does love me on my birthday… xP


[sms] 13.24 – Hpy bday… GBU olwayz.. Pram… ~(obviously) pram


04.20

Mand: “laper bgt gw, To… makan yuk”

Dito: “yuk, mo k pertok?”

Mand: “yuk…! x)”



*jln ke pertok*

[sms] 16.27 – Met birthday k 38 ya ~armand

[sms] 16.33 – Maaaan! HAPPY BIRTHDAY yaaaa.. Wish u all d’best^0^ ~joy

[sms] 16.52 – MANDA ..SELAMAT ULANG TAHUN YA BESOK TANTE KE JKT IKUT YUK KE LIPPO ~tante maria

[sms] 17.22 – mandaaa…selamat ulang tahun yaaa… ~abel

*jln kluar pertok, tp tertahan lg di es podeng dpn pertok smpe 18.30*

[sms] 17.58 – Alo nda!happi bdae lg y, saudara =D hr ini gak slh kn?ha3 ****** ~shella
fyi, sehari sblmnya shella dah sms pagi2 bgt n abis itu lgsg kaget sndiri n br nyadar klo msh krg sehari… hehehe



[sms] 23.03 Dito: Mand pokoknya jgn tidur dulu ya…long story,ntar gue telp ya stgh jam lg… ****** please smile :) it’s still your birthday..already nite si,he2

[sms] 23.24 Mand,met ulang taun y.Wish u all the best lah! ~knia

[sms] 23.48 Mand, Happy birthday y! Wish you all the best.. ~0856 905 86**, gak tau siapa xP



23.50 or so

Dito: “mand.. keluar rumah dong bentar…”

Mand: “oh may gat… serius lo…..”

Dito: “he2, buruan ya..”

*keluar dan menemukan seseorang dgn kamera hebohnya n sesosok lain yg megang kue n heboh ngejagain lilin biar gak mati. sementara itu si kamera heboh cuma motretin n gak ikutan nutupin lilin… aneh…*

Mand: “ngapain sih lo berdua…?”

Awen: “mand sebenernya rencana awalnya gak gini… harusnya di belakang kita ada bbrp org lg… cicu, bimo, n yiyink… tp pd g blh sm ortu masing2…”

*make a wish n niup lilin n foto2…*

Awen: “mand, yuk!”

Mand: “hah? Yuk apaan?” “yuk deh”

Dito: “lo kita culik ya…”

Mand: “oh.. yuk… gw blg nyokap dl ya…”

*masuk rmh, blg nykp daaann… malah duduk2 makan kue bukannya diculik…*

Setelah potong kue, makan kue n duduk2

Mand: “gak jadi mo nyulik gw…?”

*dito n awen liat2an n nyengir…*

Awen: “mand, lo pasti bakal blg kita berdua bego bgt nih…”

Dito: “lo ada ide gak mo diculik kmn…?”

Mand: “….. haaaaaaaahhhh…? Bego bgt sih lo!...” hahahahahahahaha…



********************************************************************
And who would’ve thought that a b’day during final test -when everybody else has already been on holiday for a month or so- can be this much fun…

Thanks… especially to you and to awen too, and generally thanks to everyone… and I mean everyone…

This is probably the b’day where for the first time I didn’t expect anything. Not presents, not surprises, nor fun…

Guess what? For the first time I get them all… all day long…

Du bist alles… Du fehlst mir

********************************************************************