Fears.

Gw tiba2 terinspirasi buat bikin post ini bbrp waktu yang lalu… Post tentang ketakutan2 gw… Am I generally a fearful person? I can’t really tell… Gw takut gelap, hantu, dan hal2 lain yg orang takut.. Tapi gw rasa2nya kliatan lbh GAK penakut dari sebenernya, mostly krn gw g takutan sm binatang, (kadal, ulet, kecoa, dkk) and I don’t scream on the sight of it (well, I’ll squeak in disgust when it’s a lizard), gw gak takut manusia (well, most of the time… (and I consider myself lucky to live in rather peaceful area)), also, as most human does, gw gak takut dengan hal yang bisa masih bisa dikontrol…

Anyway, ada beberapa hal yang bisa gw bilang merupakan ketakutan2 gw, dan kerap kali, ketika tiba2 terlintas dikepala dan keinget, gw bergidik ngeri… Dan yang penting adalah hal2 ini bukan sekedar gw takutin pas ada yang nanya (misalnya ada yg nanya: “lo takut gak sama singa?” itu pasti gw jawab takut lah…) Tapi yang gw tulis disini adalah hal2 yang gak ditanya jg gw udah takut… There are 5 things that I can’t think of, that I’m particularly scared of. Most of them are very normal. Let’s just start right away now…

1. Cancer

Bukan. Bukan zodiak. Gw takut kanker. Let me explain it through. Dari berbagai gejala penyakit yang bisa menimpa manusia –such as: headache, nausea, pain, etc-, I consider nausea as the most annoying and the most unbearable…

And as I imagine it, cancer would be all those symptoms, with nausea in domination, and other un-imaginable symptoms… It’s just plain scary. And I somehow developed a scary belief that this is the thing that will end my life. At least, I’m not gonna be the lucky person who’s all health up to the last day of their life, until they got heart attack/stroke and died in their sleep right away.

Keluarga gw sendiri gak punya sejarah kanker secara langsung.(There are a couple history of tumours though, including the one I had.) But I still can’t shake this thought…

2. Infertility

Okay, I have to tell you, writing this post is disturbing… And it gets more and more disturbing for me as it goes… Just as my scary belief for cancer, I think the very reason of me to fear it so much, is because I fell like it will happen to me. And I never, ever, been able to think that infertility is only something that happens to people, but will never get to me.

I’m not necessarily the kind of girl who grows up, craving for babies all their life (though I did grow up wanting to be a bride… LOL), and squeaks and giggles on the sight of babies and kids. I’m not even much into kids. But if this one really happens to me,, well, I can’t even tell you how I’d feel…

3. Death

Ok, I know what you must think right now, “death. everybody fears it.” Cuma gw suka sok2 nganggep diri gw sedikit necrophobic. heheheh… Tapi sih ketakutan gw yang satu ini bukan sesuatu yang konstan gw alamin… Jadi blm pantes disebut phobia juga..

Tapi ada beberapa event yang membuktikan ketakutan gw ini. Pertama, pas gw kecil, gw takut sama bunga kamboja, gara2 katanya itu bunga orang mati… Suatu hari mbak gw di waktu itu, aka. pembantu gw, nemu bunga kamboja dan dibawa kerumah setangkai penuh bunga… Alhasil, gw gak mau mendekat dgn jarak 1,5 meter dari bunga itu dan seharian itu tiap mondar mandir rumah, gw ngider menjauh 1 meter tiap lewat tu bunga.

Kedua, di detik gw sadar bahwa (alm.) kura-kura gw udah mati gosong terpanggang, gw tiba2 takut setengah mati sama dan ngelempar dia. I didn’t even manage to bury it, and it was my little brother who did it… Same thing happens to the hamster babies who died not long after they’re born. Tapi, waktu yg tewas tanpa sebab adalah hamster gw yang gw sayang, si Hamu-hamu (hiks…) gw bisa banget nguburnya, bahkan gw elus2 dulu, plus pake acara foto2…

Dan gw lagi2 memang anaknya suka menghayal… Gw suka ngebayangin orang di sekeliling gw meninggal. BUKAN karena gw pengen itu terjadi, justru for the very reason that I don’t want them to die. Sering pikiran itu simply seputar “Siapa diantara kita (gw dan orang lain) yang akan mati duluan ya? What will the other do when it happens?”

4. Sister

It’s been quite a tense discussion hasn’t it? haha… Now let’s move on to the more silly part. (also the longest one, cause I like silly.) Gw terlahir sebagai si ‘anak perempuan satu2 nya’, dan gw gak tau rasanya gak jadi si ‘anak perempuan satu2 nya’…

Pastinya gw pernah ngebayangin yg namanya punya ‘saudara perempuan’… When I was younger I even thought my life is gonna be better if only I have a sister instead of either one of my brother… However, hehe, as I grow older, gw mulai mengembangkan imajinasi yang lebih gila tapi lebih realistis dan faktual. Imajinasi ini didasari satu fakta: “gw adalah si anak cewe tomboy dgn prestasi seminimal tinggi badan gw.” Gw pas2an di segala bidang selain bidang keberuntungan.

This got me wondering, what if I had a sister, who is, for example, girly. Simply girly. Well, at least my mom would like her better for that. Tapi gw masih bisa merasa “dia itu biasa, gw lebih gak biasa.” atau apalah.. I might not be bothered at all…

Then, what if ‘girly’ comes in package with diligence and obeisance…? Now, at least both my parents would like her better. Tapi gw masih bisa beralasan sama seperti diatas.

But things can get worse… What if this imaginary sister of mine is also taller, skinnier, prettier, and very FRIENDLY and OUTGOING and everything else I’ve never been (perhaps she plays music and/or speaks 3 foreign languages and/or sings very well and/or is a model and/or cooks and/or else…) Then not only my parents who would like her better. But EVERYONE.

Wanna know what can still make things worse? It would be THE imaginary sister above, only not girly. I’d be doomed.

Sisters does not always gonna turn out this way, tapi biasanya ketika gw udah sampe ke titik pemikiran ini, gw langsung mensyukuri satu2nya hal di gw yang lebih dari rata2: LUCK. My luck for not having a sister.

5. Younger Sibling

Oh, one more thing. I think I also fear of having another younger sibling. Even though that’s about impossible since my mom’s urethra has been removed. But I did had some nightmares (note that I call them nightmares) about my mom getting pregnant. Again. Most of it happen during the few first years since I got a younger brother…

for lovelettersarenotdead.wordpress.com

August 6, 2009

Dear you,

I’m not a bad person, but I can’t say I’m a good one either.

I’m not a bad girlfriend, but I can’t say I’m a good one either.

But, my love to you? This I can say for sure, that I don’t remember life before you. That the past seems like another lifetime.

But I’m not caring, I don’t always tell you what I’m doing, what I’m planning to do or what I’ve done. I don’t always remember every details you told me, every events in the past, or every word that’s said.

I’m not a girl one would dream of, though I believe you’d dreamt of me. x)

So I’m not a perfect figure, but I want you to be my friend. Why? Because it’s the highest honour I can give to anyone, to you. I want to tell you things, many things. Not just daily routines, but deepest darkest secret. I want to share you feelings. Not just joy and laughter but confusion and sorrow. I want to give you all that honour, and hope you don’t get sick of it. And so far I deeply thank you for not getting bored. Yet. xP

Yet what I yearn even more is to be a family to you. Because it’s the highest honour you give to anyone. I want to be the one you run to when you somehow have to run. And I hope someday you’ll tell me things, secrets, problems, not just when you can’t hold it anymore, but when you simply want to.

I’m not as tough as a rock, my skin is not so thick against all thorns, and my thoughts aren’t exactly as clear as a summer sky. I’m not a teacher nor a philosopher. My childishness may be too blunt to see. I may be so young and reckless, and that I’d be able to even once pull you out of a situation, I’m not really sure myself. But know that I’ll hold you when you’re losing grip. I’ll walk you when you’re glued to earth. And I’ll slap you for sure when you’re about to stray.

Any other things there is to do, I have yet to learn. But at the end, I’ll be there for you as I am, no more, no less. I know that would be enough, because I swear it’s you.

Love,

Me.

Hey!
TALK TO ME!!!!

TAAAALK TOOOO MEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

.....

I don't do fake smile and fake talk.
or so I claimed.

I have good laughs, I have lots of tantrums.
when I feel rage, I spoil it out.
when I dislike, I shout it out
when I'm happy, I'll flood you with so many happy aura, you'll get sick of it.

I don't fake things.
or so I claimed.

but it wasn't until recent that I meet moments with indescribable feelings,
not immense yet overwhelming..

and all I can do now
is putting up some jokes, some laughs,
some stuff that would hopefully hide all others.

what do I claim now?

Two local foreigners invading the city! [Part Two]

ok, I know it's about almost too late to write this note, but I promised and still want to... so here is the second part of this note...

last we speak, B and Andy had just left Museum Bank Mandiri for Museum Nasional..
we took busway to get there... and all along the way, we kept on being quite a neck breaker... no, not because we started to look like a real foreigner.. it's only because we're still wearing our sunglasses.. LOL.. (I wonder why it seems so weird here to wear sunglasses... considering our striking sun...)

back to the story.. we got off the bus at Monumen Nasional stop... it was right in front of the museum nasional... (oh, btw, in case any of you doesn't know yet, museum nasional is museum gajah....) and yet I wonder again why the bus stop was named Monumen Nasional while it's still about half a kilometres away from Monas' entrance, yet it's right in front of Museum Nasional....

we entered the Museum's gate, and took just few picture around the front yard... and not to forget speaking in English while doing so... now, the souvenir seller that heard us talking instantly assumed that we're foreign tourists... VOILA! and the museum's staff that hear the souvenir guy talking in English to us also instantly assumed that we're foreign tourists.... another voila...! xD
so we succeeded buying the ticket in english,,
and we look down at the ticket,,
and at the price.........
"harga tiket masuk dewasa: Rp 750
harga tiket masuk anak-anak: Rp 250"

no. way.
this is way to cheap!!!
and B seems to agree even more to me in this!
and she is a Chinese...! she's supposed to be, mm, scrooge? haha, LOL... just kidding...

anyway, this turn out to be the best museum we went to today...
started by a psycho king statue that stand on a pile of skulls and have Buddha on it's head,,

then off to accessories store.. ups, I mean ancient accessories display, that looks a lot like what we wear today... (and they say we have the LATEST fashion?)

and as it turns out, they have miniature houses that looks a lot like the real one,, and it's AS BIG AS the ones in taman mini! look look...!

well, then again, what I meant is it was as big as 1/20 of the ones in taman mini... xP LOL

and then, we went to various rooms, got followed by local-sundanese-talking kids that seems to believe that we're foreigners... so we go to other room, which happen to display traditional clothings and masks and so on... in the middle of admiring (and giggling at times (don't ask why, there's just always something funny to find in those traditional thingy)) those local-sundanese-talking kids APPROACH US!!
they asked if they can take a picture with us

holy shit! huahahahahahahaha.....! finally, somebody, some people in fact, believe that we're actually foreigners, so much that they want to take picture with us....
well, since they've annoyed us (read: me) for a while then, we (read: I) neglected to ask for another picture with them to be taken by our cameras.... so, no picture for you guys..... sorry...

anyway, we then go further into that room, and while B said that this is her most favourite room of all,, I, on the other hand, notice 3 things about this room...
first: it's porno

second: it's bluntly porno

third: it's unbelievably porno..

WHAT THE HECK IS THAT STATUE DOING???

good God... and she said this is her favourite room.... hmmm...

anyway, enough with the porno room... we're off to the other part of the museum now! yeay! the one that's connected by the glass bridge.... the one that seems kinda exiting (because this part has a big banner outside it...)
and just when we're opening the door to the bridge,,
a security staff is already there to greet us,,
and he said:
"maaf mba, kita mau tutup dulu buat makan siang......"

................
"sorry? what? I don't understand a word you said..."
...........
@!#$%^&%$#@%(*@^#&$*&^@%^&#%*$^&^@$&#$^!!!!!
DAMN!

ok... since we were foreign tourists, and foreign tourists are polite (or so we assumed), we gave up trying to get more of this museum, and off to find something to eat.... meanwhile, the nearest restaurant around is in sarinah... so we went there, gave up our English-speaking manner, and ate at hot planet.... haha!

and once we sat down, somehow the willingness to continue the journey kinda evaporated... and this is why we ended up not going to Monas.... LOL... we're both such procrastinator that often ended up not doing things... so hot planet is the last place we went to...

while sitting there, chatting, we realize one thing,,
there are so many things we can do in only half a day...
and hadn't we went on the journey that day, the only things we'd most likely have done would only be taking a bath and going to campus.... so much for the overrated education.. xP

it was such a fun day... not exactly relaxing, not physically... but definitely was a very nice getaway...
you should try that someday... while we both here are also looking forward to other journeys.. oh! and we also welcome anyone who'd like to join us...

anyway, this is the only picture that has both of us...
(most of the time we took only each others' pic)

greetings, Andy and B

Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they’re opened

Few days ago I received an email about Hamas’ Leader’s son who became a Christian. It was a typical forwarded email, but the title was enticingly ironic. So I read it.

The email was pretty long, it consists of 2 articles and a long interview. The articles themselves was pretty interesting, and fits the title. But what the son (I forgot his name, let’s just call him by HLS (Hamas’ Leader’s Son) from now on) says in there sounds all wrong to me.

Basically he explains why he convert to Christian, and his views on Islam. And it’s his reasons and views that don’t make sense to me. It started from him reading a bible, and think that it’s right and so on, and then he started to think that what he’s been believing is wrong.

But not his dad. He believe that his dad and his organization is not wrong, and that they became wrong and evil because Islam is wrong.

What

the

hell ????????

It’s always the people, MORON!!! Is it just me? or,, do everyone else agree with him? Do everyone think that other’s believes (other than what they believe) are all evil?

I tried to keep on reading, but later I stopped before finishing it. I only got worse and worse as it goes.

And right after discussing this with my friend, Awen, I watched Angels&Demons.. And the ending speech by the new Carmelengo on the story was the perfect fit for this…

“Every religion has flaw. But it’s only because the men are flawed. Every man.”

I’m a Catholic. A Christian. (well, a Catholic to be exact, but I don’t really see a reason to differ them other than institutional stuff. And for this you may call me indifferent, even agnostic, but liberal is the word I prefer.)

I believe in the teaching, the religion, the God, but not in the institution. If a priest tell me to kill because otherwise I’ll rot in hell, I don’t think I’ll give much damn about it, let alone doing it. But I also won’t convert only because I know the institution is rotten, because I know better than to do that.

So I really think that this HLS and everyone who thinks like him are severely, acutely, dangerously narrow-minded!

But what bothers me more than this HLS, is the email itself.

It was sent by a friend of mine, (a Christian, in case you’re wondering) to so many people (including me). And the recipients, many of which are Muslims. This, for some reason, embarrassed me.

I don’t even see a reason to send it to anyone. It doesn’t show any good side of Christian, if that was the objective, I only show how narrow minded are the HLS and the sender…

I have my own definition of believe. And you don’t mess with other people’s believe. Believe is something very very very personal. Might as well be the most personal thing.

@#$%^&^%%^&&…

These  narrow minded people always gives me a headache… hate you guys……

Technorati Tags: believe,religion,narrow minded,hate

[non] sibling war

I hate my brother...

Lazy, self centered, egoistic, disgusting, careless about other, cocky, materialistic, evil.

I even hate the fact that he is my brother.

He hit me. He has hit me before. Just then he hit me a couple times, and scarred me on my forehead. A couple of scar that are pretty obvious that I had to cut my bangs to cover it.

All my life I’ve known him, and not once he’s ever been a good brother. He doesn’t act the way a brother should. He bought me cell phone, laptop, and some other material stuff. But those things don’t even cover a quarter of his badness. I don’t need material stuff. Really. Money doesn’t make good people, it just make people feels good. Moreover, money doesn’t make a good brother.

Last Sunday was a point of no return. From then, he should know that he’s lost a sister.

When I was a kid, my mom used to tell me that since I’m an only daughter, my brothers will take care of and protect me, if ever my parents are gone. I was just a small kid, but I knew somehow,, that’s not what’s gonna happen. And know, I even know, I won’t let that happen… I’m not gonna give a chance for him to feel superior, let alone depending on him.

Anyone reading this may think that I’m exaggerating. But I really never heard any of my friends brother being so much of a bastard like my brother. Not that I think I’m the most unfortunate person on earth. If any of your family member is more horrible,, please do share.

The worst stories I’ve heard so far are about nasty aunts, criminal uncles, vile family,, but none about someone from somebody’s inner family. Doesn’t mean to self-pity myself, but when it’s our inner family, it sucks a hell lot more.

Why?

Well, you see them everyday, you live under the same roof, you even share bathroom with them. And while all those are happening, you loath them. You loath the fact that you’re closely blood related to them, that your mom is their mom. You’d so wish you never know them.

But there’s nothing you can do. You can dump a boyfriend, friend, acquaintance,, but once someone is your family, there’s nothing you can do to make them NOT a family.

I can’t continue fighting my brother, because the victim would be my mom. I can’t keep on trying to kick him out of the house, because it’s not even my house. I can only wish now, that I’ll be able to live on my own ASAP.

I need that.