I am actually...

I am actually smart
I am actually pretty
I am actually talented

I am actually something...
(The followings are gonna sound really lame, and time wasting, so if u have anything better to do than reading this,, just go.)

See, that’s my problem...
All my life everyone always always see me as someone who’s ACTUALLY something...
Why can’t I just be something...
Even when I was still in elementary, people said that I’m actually pretty, hadn’t I kicked (or hit or punch or slap) every boys’ ass (or stomach or back or face or even their ‘thing’)

Now I understand people that are having mid-life crisis.
And as usual, I’ll put myself as the self-pitying character who might be having what I’d like to call a quarter-life crisis (if there’s any),, or an almost-quarter-life crisis, I’m 19, so... xP

I think I’ve wasted a lot. A LOT. Sh!t..
Even in elementary (when this all started), I wasn’t someone who’s actually smart.
I was smart. I think rather than being someone who becomes better day by day, I become worse. Sh!t..
I don’t turn out to be the person I wanted to be.

I wanted to be a lot of thing. I was taught well to dream.
But I wasn’t taught well to achieve it
I didn’t think I need to think it through step by step
I never see anyone in my family achieving their dream. Being someone they want to be, someone they’ve dreamt to be.

I was a kid, and I wanted to be a model. I was a children catwalk model. And if you see my photos as kid, damn!, I was a hell lot better than I am now. See, I’m degrading. AGAIN.

I was at sixth grade on elementary, and I wanted to be an astronaut. I was damn good at science. And now? I took social in high school and business in college.

I don’t even want to be an entrepreneur, and I chose business school anyway.
Well, maybe I do want. But it’s just the idea of everyone telling every student that they’re going to be an entrepreneur,, that just make it so hard to want it.
Stop telling me what to do, even if that’s what I’m going to do.
Instead of encouraging me, you’re stopping me.

Now let’s get back to the ‘actually’ part…
Well, this part, I can ‘actually’ fix it. I can start fixing it now, and maybe I’ll finish when I’m 40… I can fix it because I’m actually it, but what about the things that I’m not.
What about the things that I don’t have, but I want it.
Like, say, hmm, creativity…
Oh yeah, that one damn thing. I WANT IT.
You can’t even say that I’m actually creative, cause I’m not. Not a bit.
And I envy you people who have it. And it’s not the regular me to envy people. I’m usually content.

While I hate the idea that there’s nothing I can do, there’s nothing I can do. So, let’s get back to the ‘actually’ part again.

I struggled to be extraordinary, until at one point I realize that every ordinary people want to be extraordinary, and no extraordinary people struggle to be extraordinary. Then, I’m merely ordinary.
So I am, actually, smart. But people at most will only see me as actually smart, or simply dumb.

And when I look around,, damn, I’m a loser.
Cicu. She’s pretty, smart, a social butterfly, got a job and provide her own living, famous, kind, loved,, successful
Awen. She’s determined, ambitious when she needs to, giving, caring, hell of a kind person, got a job or two or three,, successful
Dito. He’s talented, creative, organized, do what he loves and love what he does, got a job or two, knows where he’s going,, successful
My mom. She’s independent, provider, teacher for her kids, great cook, a driver for herself and for her kids, ambitious, goal achiever, decision maker,, super successful.
Me. Doomed,, not successful.

I’m the kind of person who never how to answer “why should we give this scholarship/job/position to you?”
I don’t do anything outside my campus
I don’t do anything inside my campus
I don’t read educational magazine
I don’t do anything but having fun
I gotta stop
I gotta kick some ass, do some good, learn some real stuff,
And prove that I’m more than just actually something
I am something.

I’m gonna get over 3.5 GPA next semester! Mark my word…
And just so you know, even while writing it I already regret writing it.
I barely even get 3.0 last semester. I have no idea about this semester.
It feels so weird, wanting to study, when the final test is over.
My whole life is always the same story, studying when the final test is over.

But as I said, mark my words…
I’m gonna get it…
I’m gonna kick asses…
And I gotta get a job too I guess… I don’t know what is it with everyone and their job.. why is everyone having a job… but maybe that’s the new trend, let’s follow it…

Whatever I do, I’ll kick ass! Yeagh!