Pursuit of Happiness #2

yesterday somethings happen
some chances present themselves
and chances might become choices.
but it's only in the future.

but of course it disturbs the now.

some people have passion for something and suffer from the pursue of it.

some people have passion for something but not the courage or the resources.

some people have passion for something but it's taken away from them.

and some people recognize passion in other but does not find it in themselves.

the last kind have a burden that none of previous people understand.

As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,In front of me,
Bright like a sun—My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Poem by Langston Huges
PS. I just (re)found my interest in poems, thanks to this site

oh how I played around the idea of perfection
all that goes beyond as well as along with affection
to wish and hope that everything has its destination

I shouted of what better places and better lives would be
had we humans bathed ourselves in naivety
I dreamt of how I’ll be unlike the many
as my front-most fear is to be ‘just majority’

but I witness and see the other life promises
I grew fondness over things they say I should accomplish
then I thought I came to term with circumstances
but with pity I saw I’m not as fine as my past wishes

Pursuit of happiness #1

Happiness has always been my ultimate lifetime goal.

and I believe it comes not from amity (divergent fans here? anyone? raise your hands.. *waving up high*) or apathy or even thorough acceptance toward life and whatever comes. It comes with pursuit, and mine is only about to begin.

So here I am, 1 month from unemployment, finally realizing where I am. Now i’ll start rambling and scrambling about what I would, I should, and I can do. Start planning.

I have to fill at least 1 month of unemployment with something else. That is roughly 8 a.m. to 10 p.m (at least) times 30. 360 free hours per month.

The second most important part in this planning vaganza after ‘what’ is ‘when’. Having all the time in the world can be a curse. After that comes ‘how’ because no job would present itself unlest it is searched. My plan must include the answer to what, when and how.

The only fixed activity that I already have to fill my unemployment would be dance classes every afternoon, dance performance on September 29, a trip to Bali. Thus the second week will be spent for travelling to bali, and the third week will be spent for dancing only since a big performance is coming up on the 29th.

Being full time dancer require network, portfolio, and passing auditions. The only one I know  coming is on october. So, until October I’ll work on building a choreography portfolio. This should take about 3 hours a day. Also 1-2 hours of jogging and stretching in the morning.

Translation jobs need reputation. Reputation takes lots and lots of experience. I need to start build it. I haven’t figure out how much time this should take since I don’t know how to get the job.

Finding jobs at odesk.com would be easier if i’ve had recommendation, so if i want money I better start earning some recommendation (if not money) now. This, i figure should take 2 hours every 2 days starting from now until official resignation, and 4 hours a day afterwards.

Even the non-money making idea of taking cooking class require me enrolling in the cooking school that i’ve been eyeing for sometime now, or compiling recipe to try at home, both of which I also haven’t done. Perhaps this should take 2 hours every 2 days.

The only plan that doesn’t require me learning or doing anything new is only helping my friend’s wedding organizer, because i’ve done it a couple of times now. But I don’t like depending or hoping too much on it because at some points it feels like begging. This shall take 1-2 days of weekend in which I have no dance gig and some weekdays that I can spare.

So far this is my plan. Maney making is still vague but at least I have daily time allocation.

Next will be daily schedule per hours, then off to money making plan.

I am resigning

I am resigning from my current well-paid-and-sophisticated job unto unemployment and i know my life is about to begin.

I submited my resignation letter on July 6, and it elated me. But it’s only after 4 weeks that it finally sinks in:

I am resigning.

I’ve been dancing under the shower of happiness from the certainty of leaving this job I never love.

I do want to leave off applying for 8-to-5 job until at least 3 months from now. During that time I want to be a full time dancer and also start learning to cook in order to work my way toward my dream of owning a restaurant. These are my absolute reason for resigning.

It was only few minutes ago that I actually realized that resigning means I will have all the time in the world to myself. My ignorance is bizzare, I know, especially since my concerned boyfriend have been telling me zillion times to figure out what exactly I want to do past this job.

I’ve known before that I will have nothing to do, and that meaning I will be able to do the things that I love. That has filled my mind with the idea of dancing, cooking, taking english or other language course. All of which doesn’t immediately replace my job’s function as money generator.

But I had an idea about getting income. That include trying to find dance gigs, trying to find translation jobs, trying to cook/bake and sell it, finding jobs at odesk.com and helping my friend’s wedding organizer and hoping that there will be a lot of job to give. All of which are very vague and it wasn’t even until I write them here that I realize how vague my plan has been. Again, my ignorance, it’s bizzare, I know.

The last 6 years have been a series of ignoring the process of planning for the future.

After a busy 4 years in my campus,I went to work in my crazy office in which I have experienced birthdays, Christmases, and other holidays that were hardly planned. Those 6 years I’ve let life leads me to places, yet I didn’t control it. Heck, even the last 12 years was not truly in my control. All major choices that I made was the easy ones; including choosing junior high school, high school, college and first job. All of those choises were made by me, yet I did not seek for them. They came to me. This decision to resign was the first major decision I’ve  ever made because I seek for it.

So I decided, since I also didn’t get to write a lot during the last years, I will start writing my plan and this will become my journal.

And I cannot be more anxious, excited and scared..because my life is about to begin.

4 years ago, this day.

4 years ago I fell head over heels for you.
4 years ago, the life as I knew it, ended.

Before 4 years ago, I was a dreamer of love.
I dreamt of love as it's told in novels,
as it's acted out in movies,
as sung in songs, and as glorified in poems.

many times, crushes and adoration disappointed me.
more than n unrequited love, it is the lack of butterflies in my stomach that disappointed me.

but,
for the first time for me, love got out of hand. out of my imagination.
and that is 4 years ago.

I have known many feelings but this one.
a recognition, curiosity, retreat, adoration and then... decision.

a decision to love that came in a random heartbeat without prediction.
as if my heart suddenly realize that it has found what it looked for.
what it wanted, and still wants up until now.

it was a feeling so beautifully overwhelming,
that a dreamer like me was taken by surprise.
and then by fear.
the fear of losing it, of seeing it recede.

yet, we live it through to this day.
and this day, 4 years later, I looked back...
to your old pictures, to our old selves,
to how I used to look at you and adore you.

and to my biggest surprise,
those overwhelming feelings 4 years ago has grown into something beyond poetry, words, and imagination.

so profound that looking back, falling head over heels to you was only a beginning.
a beginning of a very wonderful journey.

somewhere along the way we promised each other to always go higher and higher.
and all along the way we made it happen.
and this is just another beginning.
beginning of our 5th year, and for many years to come.

and I wish to God we'll always know that our heart belongs together. because I swear it's you. :)

love,
me

Fears.

Gw tiba2 terinspirasi buat bikin post ini bbrp waktu yang lalu… Post tentang ketakutan2 gw… Am I generally a fearful person? I can’t really tell… Gw takut gelap, hantu, dan hal2 lain yg orang takut.. Tapi gw rasa2nya kliatan lbh GAK penakut dari sebenernya, mostly krn gw g takutan sm binatang, (kadal, ulet, kecoa, dkk) and I don’t scream on the sight of it (well, I’ll squeak in disgust when it’s a lizard), gw gak takut manusia (well, most of the time… (and I consider myself lucky to live in rather peaceful area)), also, as most human does, gw gak takut dengan hal yang bisa masih bisa dikontrol…

Anyway, ada beberapa hal yang bisa gw bilang merupakan ketakutan2 gw, dan kerap kali, ketika tiba2 terlintas dikepala dan keinget, gw bergidik ngeri… Dan yang penting adalah hal2 ini bukan sekedar gw takutin pas ada yang nanya (misalnya ada yg nanya: “lo takut gak sama singa?” itu pasti gw jawab takut lah…) Tapi yang gw tulis disini adalah hal2 yang gak ditanya jg gw udah takut… There are 5 things that I can’t think of, that I’m particularly scared of. Most of them are very normal. Let’s just start right away now…

1. Cancer

Bukan. Bukan zodiak. Gw takut kanker. Let me explain it through. Dari berbagai gejala penyakit yang bisa menimpa manusia –such as: headache, nausea, pain, etc-, I consider nausea as the most annoying and the most unbearable…

And as I imagine it, cancer would be all those symptoms, with nausea in domination, and other un-imaginable symptoms… It’s just plain scary. And I somehow developed a scary belief that this is the thing that will end my life. At least, I’m not gonna be the lucky person who’s all health up to the last day of their life, until they got heart attack/stroke and died in their sleep right away.

Keluarga gw sendiri gak punya sejarah kanker secara langsung.(There are a couple history of tumours though, including the one I had.) But I still can’t shake this thought…

2. Infertility

Okay, I have to tell you, writing this post is disturbing… And it gets more and more disturbing for me as it goes… Just as my scary belief for cancer, I think the very reason of me to fear it so much, is because I fell like it will happen to me. And I never, ever, been able to think that infertility is only something that happens to people, but will never get to me.

I’m not necessarily the kind of girl who grows up, craving for babies all their life (though I did grow up wanting to be a bride… LOL), and squeaks and giggles on the sight of babies and kids. I’m not even much into kids. But if this one really happens to me,, well, I can’t even tell you how I’d feel…

3. Death

Ok, I know what you must think right now, “death. everybody fears it.” Cuma gw suka sok2 nganggep diri gw sedikit necrophobic. heheheh… Tapi sih ketakutan gw yang satu ini bukan sesuatu yang konstan gw alamin… Jadi blm pantes disebut phobia juga..

Tapi ada beberapa event yang membuktikan ketakutan gw ini. Pertama, pas gw kecil, gw takut sama bunga kamboja, gara2 katanya itu bunga orang mati… Suatu hari mbak gw di waktu itu, aka. pembantu gw, nemu bunga kamboja dan dibawa kerumah setangkai penuh bunga… Alhasil, gw gak mau mendekat dgn jarak 1,5 meter dari bunga itu dan seharian itu tiap mondar mandir rumah, gw ngider menjauh 1 meter tiap lewat tu bunga.

Kedua, di detik gw sadar bahwa (alm.) kura-kura gw udah mati gosong terpanggang, gw tiba2 takut setengah mati sama dan ngelempar dia. I didn’t even manage to bury it, and it was my little brother who did it… Same thing happens to the hamster babies who died not long after they’re born. Tapi, waktu yg tewas tanpa sebab adalah hamster gw yang gw sayang, si Hamu-hamu (hiks…) gw bisa banget nguburnya, bahkan gw elus2 dulu, plus pake acara foto2…

Dan gw lagi2 memang anaknya suka menghayal… Gw suka ngebayangin orang di sekeliling gw meninggal. BUKAN karena gw pengen itu terjadi, justru for the very reason that I don’t want them to die. Sering pikiran itu simply seputar “Siapa diantara kita (gw dan orang lain) yang akan mati duluan ya? What will the other do when it happens?”

4. Sister

It’s been quite a tense discussion hasn’t it? haha… Now let’s move on to the more silly part. (also the longest one, cause I like silly.) Gw terlahir sebagai si ‘anak perempuan satu2 nya’, dan gw gak tau rasanya gak jadi si ‘anak perempuan satu2 nya’…

Pastinya gw pernah ngebayangin yg namanya punya ‘saudara perempuan’… When I was younger I even thought my life is gonna be better if only I have a sister instead of either one of my brother… However, hehe, as I grow older, gw mulai mengembangkan imajinasi yang lebih gila tapi lebih realistis dan faktual. Imajinasi ini didasari satu fakta: “gw adalah si anak cewe tomboy dgn prestasi seminimal tinggi badan gw.” Gw pas2an di segala bidang selain bidang keberuntungan.

This got me wondering, what if I had a sister, who is, for example, girly. Simply girly. Well, at least my mom would like her better for that. Tapi gw masih bisa merasa “dia itu biasa, gw lebih gak biasa.” atau apalah.. I might not be bothered at all…

Then, what if ‘girly’ comes in package with diligence and obeisance…? Now, at least both my parents would like her better. Tapi gw masih bisa beralasan sama seperti diatas.

But things can get worse… What if this imaginary sister of mine is also taller, skinnier, prettier, and very FRIENDLY and OUTGOING and everything else I’ve never been (perhaps she plays music and/or speaks 3 foreign languages and/or sings very well and/or is a model and/or cooks and/or else…) Then not only my parents who would like her better. But EVERYONE.

Wanna know what can still make things worse? It would be THE imaginary sister above, only not girly. I’d be doomed.

Sisters does not always gonna turn out this way, tapi biasanya ketika gw udah sampe ke titik pemikiran ini, gw langsung mensyukuri satu2nya hal di gw yang lebih dari rata2: LUCK. My luck for not having a sister.

5. Younger Sibling

Oh, one more thing. I think I also fear of having another younger sibling. Even though that’s about impossible since my mom’s urethra has been removed. But I did had some nightmares (note that I call them nightmares) about my mom getting pregnant. Again. Most of it happen during the few first years since I got a younger brother…

for lovelettersarenotdead.wordpress.com

August 6, 2009

Dear you,

I’m not a bad person, but I can’t say I’m a good one either.

I’m not a bad girlfriend, but I can’t say I’m a good one either.

But, my love to you? This I can say for sure, that I don’t remember life before you. That the past seems like another lifetime.

But I’m not caring, I don’t always tell you what I’m doing, what I’m planning to do or what I’ve done. I don’t always remember every details you told me, every events in the past, or every word that’s said.

I’m not a girl one would dream of, though I believe you’d dreamt of me. x)

So I’m not a perfect figure, but I want you to be my friend. Why? Because it’s the highest honour I can give to anyone, to you. I want to tell you things, many things. Not just daily routines, but deepest darkest secret. I want to share you feelings. Not just joy and laughter but confusion and sorrow. I want to give you all that honour, and hope you don’t get sick of it. And so far I deeply thank you for not getting bored. Yet. xP

Yet what I yearn even more is to be a family to you. Because it’s the highest honour you give to anyone. I want to be the one you run to when you somehow have to run. And I hope someday you’ll tell me things, secrets, problems, not just when you can’t hold it anymore, but when you simply want to.

I’m not as tough as a rock, my skin is not so thick against all thorns, and my thoughts aren’t exactly as clear as a summer sky. I’m not a teacher nor a philosopher. My childishness may be too blunt to see. I may be so young and reckless, and that I’d be able to even once pull you out of a situation, I’m not really sure myself. But know that I’ll hold you when you’re losing grip. I’ll walk you when you’re glued to earth. And I’ll slap you for sure when you’re about to stray.

Any other things there is to do, I have yet to learn. But at the end, I’ll be there for you as I am, no more, no less. I know that would be enough, because I swear it’s you.

Love,

Me.