Pursuit of Happiness #2

yesterday somethings happen
some chances present themselves
and chances might become choices.
but it's only in the future.

but of course it disturbs the now.

some people have passion for something and suffer from the pursue of it.

some people have passion for something but not the courage or the resources.

some people have passion for something but it's taken away from them.

and some people recognize passion in other but does not find it in themselves.

the last kind have a burden that none of previous people understand.

As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,In front of me,
Bright like a sun—My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Poem by Langston Huges
PS. I just (re)found my interest in poems, thanks to this site

oh how I played around the idea of perfection
all that goes beyond as well as along with affection
to wish and hope that everything has its destination

I shouted of what better places and better lives would be
had we humans bathed ourselves in naivety
I dreamt of how I’ll be unlike the many
as my front-most fear is to be ‘just majority’

but I witness and see the other life promises
I grew fondness over things they say I should accomplish
then I thought I came to term with circumstances
but with pity I saw I’m not as fine as my past wishes

Pursuit of happiness #1

Happiness has always been my ultimate lifetime goal.

and I believe it comes not from amity (divergent fans here? anyone? raise your hands.. *waving up high*) or apathy or even thorough acceptance toward life and whatever comes. It comes with pursuit, and mine is only about to begin.

So here I am, 1 month from unemployment, finally realizing where I am. Now i’ll start rambling and scrambling about what I would, I should, and I can do. Start planning.

I have to fill at least 1 month of unemployment with something else. That is roughly 8 a.m. to 10 p.m (at least) times 30. 360 free hours per month.

The second most important part in this planning vaganza after ‘what’ is ‘when’. Having all the time in the world can be a curse. After that comes ‘how’ because no job would present itself unlest it is searched. My plan must include the answer to what, when and how.

The only fixed activity that I already have to fill my unemployment would be dance classes every afternoon, dance performance on September 29, a trip to Bali. Thus the second week will be spent for travelling to bali, and the third week will be spent for dancing only since a big performance is coming up on the 29th.

Being full time dancer require network, portfolio, and passing auditions. The only one I know  coming is on october. So, until October I’ll work on building a choreography portfolio. This should take about 3 hours a day. Also 1-2 hours of jogging and stretching in the morning.

Translation jobs need reputation. Reputation takes lots and lots of experience. I need to start build it. I haven’t figure out how much time this should take since I don’t know how to get the job.

Finding jobs at odesk.com would be easier if i’ve had recommendation, so if i want money I better start earning some recommendation (if not money) now. This, i figure should take 2 hours every 2 days starting from now until official resignation, and 4 hours a day afterwards.

Even the non-money making idea of taking cooking class require me enrolling in the cooking school that i’ve been eyeing for sometime now, or compiling recipe to try at home, both of which I also haven’t done. Perhaps this should take 2 hours every 2 days.

The only plan that doesn’t require me learning or doing anything new is only helping my friend’s wedding organizer, because i’ve done it a couple of times now. But I don’t like depending or hoping too much on it because at some points it feels like begging. This shall take 1-2 days of weekend in which I have no dance gig and some weekdays that I can spare.

So far this is my plan. Maney making is still vague but at least I have daily time allocation.

Next will be daily schedule per hours, then off to money making plan.

I am resigning

I am resigning from my current well-paid-and-sophisticated job unto unemployment and i know my life is about to begin.

I submited my resignation letter on July 6, and it elated me. But it’s only after 4 weeks that it finally sinks in:

I am resigning.

I’ve been dancing under the shower of happiness from the certainty of leaving this job I never love.

I do want to leave off applying for 8-to-5 job until at least 3 months from now. During that time I want to be a full time dancer and also start learning to cook in order to work my way toward my dream of owning a restaurant. These are my absolute reason for resigning.

It was only few minutes ago that I actually realized that resigning means I will have all the time in the world to myself. My ignorance is bizzare, I know, especially since my concerned boyfriend have been telling me zillion times to figure out what exactly I want to do past this job.

I’ve known before that I will have nothing to do, and that meaning I will be able to do the things that I love. That has filled my mind with the idea of dancing, cooking, taking english or other language course. All of which doesn’t immediately replace my job’s function as money generator.

But I had an idea about getting income. That include trying to find dance gigs, trying to find translation jobs, trying to cook/bake and sell it, finding jobs at odesk.com and helping my friend’s wedding organizer and hoping that there will be a lot of job to give. All of which are very vague and it wasn’t even until I write them here that I realize how vague my plan has been. Again, my ignorance, it’s bizzare, I know.

The last 6 years have been a series of ignoring the process of planning for the future.

After a busy 4 years in my campus,I went to work in my crazy office in which I have experienced birthdays, Christmases, and other holidays that were hardly planned. Those 6 years I’ve let life leads me to places, yet I didn’t control it. Heck, even the last 12 years was not truly in my control. All major choices that I made was the easy ones; including choosing junior high school, high school, college and first job. All of those choises were made by me, yet I did not seek for them. They came to me. This decision to resign was the first major decision I’ve  ever made because I seek for it.

So I decided, since I also didn’t get to write a lot during the last years, I will start writing my plan and this will become my journal.

And I cannot be more anxious, excited and scared..because my life is about to begin.