Letter to my 20 y.o. self

Dear Amanda,

10 years ago you wrote me,a now me, a letter. Titled "Letter to my 30 y.o self".

It thought it got lost! what in between changing laptops, moving houses, and the lack of Google drive at the time. But I remember you writing something about always pursue 'hapiness'. Before money especially. And I guess without reading the letter itself that message was embedded within me and affect my decision making this past decade. For that I deeply thank you.

Nevertheless the email came! Your letter! I read it and now I have so many things to say.. So I guess it is only right that I write back to you.

Dear me. 20 y.o. me.
I am proud to tell you that we are now married, with 1 kid, and we have a dog! Yes! A husky! And, yes! Love is not bullshit! It makes the world go round! Oh, and we're living in our own house, without a housekeeper! You still suck at house chores but I keep trying. I'll ask our 40 y.o self if we get better later.

Here are some things I wish someone told me when I was 20.

1. You don't need to have it all figured out before the age XX (insert any number).
Sure you need to figure things out, but there's no point in beating yourself up because of some made-up age deadline
It's okay, y'know.. for a long time you'll blame yourself for not thinking more about what you want to do with your life when you were a teen, to figure out your passion, and for a long time it burdens you that people pursue their passions knowingly, certainly, and certainty is the last thing you feel about your future.

But it's okay.. you always know your priority, happiness and love. You've found your future husband (sorry, spoiler alert) so you got that love part down, just keep fighting for it. You'll write your own future and nothing needs to be decided at once. What's the fun in that anyway? You can always add, remove, change things that you want in your life.

2.
Self consciousness will finally catch up to you. It skipped your teenage years but it'll come, and in full force. It's not fun but it's necessary. It force you to invent and reinvent yourself, whether it's for our own dreams or because we're just insecure. For some time it's necessary.

But within those years anxiety also came.

3. Friends come in unexpected times, character, personalities, background, with unexpected interests, logic, and ethics.
Give them all a chance without prejudice. You'll keep pushing people away if you think you can only handle certain kinds of friends. Give them a chance, then pay attention to them.
Having the love of your life become your best friend doesn't mean you don't need any other friends
Old friends might seem irrelevant to you, or even make you insecure (mostly because of your career choice), new friends might also seem irrelevant as they don't understand where you came from, what you have given up and what you have or haven't been.. but give them all a chance. More importantly, give yourself a chance to stay connected, to reconnect, and to make new connections.. cause no matter how irrelevant they seem to be, life without close friends is rather quiet. Maybe more quiet than you'd like.

4. Be kind. Often, being direct doesn't worth not being kind. Really! Like, people just turn deaf and say that you're mean. Just play kind.. You'll be happier.

In a more serious note.. Everyone is going through something. You've been a happy-go-lucky tough cookie so far, but life will take its turn. And you'll experience it first hand that you can look fine and feel like crap. You'll make friend with anxiety and eating disorder. Good news is you'll break those friendships after 1-2 years (each time) and your time with it give you a softer perspective. Bad news is, others might be going through much worse. Be considerate.


5. Be kind. Including to yourself.

Be kind to your body. Don't let other people's look make you feel worthless. Your body is capable of so many things! It works so well athletically, put up with any challenges you put it through and it'll also bear you a wonderful healthy child. And even if it doesn't, it brings you places everyday, it helps you think everyday. Those are the things you should never stop thanking your body for. You wanna be thin, or healthy, or pretty,or muscular, that's fine. But always know that it shouldn't be overdone, shouldn't make you feel guilty when your not up to your own standard, and put happiness first, as you said yourself. Remember?

Be kind to your choices, your life. Don't criticize it too much just because society has general standard for success and you're not fulfilling it. You thrive in other areas.

6. Don't beat yourself up. You are harsh, direct, and non permissive to others, and they would hate you or appreciate you for it. But the things you say to yourself... are sometimes not acceptable to be said to anyone. Don't beat yourself up. Esp for not meeting your made-up deadlines.



20s had been the hardest and also most rewarding. You'll love it & hate it!
In a pinch, being 30 is great, at least at the moment. I honestly don't feel old like I thought I would, I'm just glad 20s are over and I'm ready for the 30s

so this mark the end?

Pursuit of Happiness #2

yesterday somethings happen
some chances present themselves
and chances might become choices.
but it's only in the future.

but of course it disturbs the now.

some people have passion for something and suffer from the pursue of it.

some people have passion for something but not the courage or the resources.

some people have passion for something but it's taken away from them.

and some people recognize passion in other but does not find it in themselves.

the last kind have a burden that none of previous people understand.

As I Grew Older

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,In front of me,
Bright like a sun—My dream.

And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—The wall.

Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.

My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

Poem by Langston Huges
PS. I just (re)found my interest in poems, thanks to this site

oh how I played around the idea of perfection
all that goes beyond as well as along with affection
to wish and hope that everything has its destination

I shouted of what better places and better lives would be
had we humans bathed ourselves in naivety
I dreamt of how I’ll be unlike the many
as my front-most fear is to be ‘just majority’

but I witness and see the other life promises
I grew fondness over things they say I should accomplish
then I thought I came to term with circumstances
but with pity I saw I’m not as fine as my past wishes

Pursuit of happiness #1

Happiness has always been my ultimate lifetime goal.

and I believe it comes not from amity (divergent fans here? anyone? raise your hands.. *waving up high*) or apathy or even thorough acceptance toward life and whatever comes. It comes with pursuit, and mine is only about to begin.

So here I am, 1 month from unemployment, finally realizing where I am. Now i’ll start rambling and scrambling about what I would, I should, and I can do. Start planning.

I have to fill at least 1 month of unemployment with something else. That is roughly 8 a.m. to 10 p.m (at least) times 30. 360 free hours per month.

The second most important part in this planning vaganza after ‘what’ is ‘when’. Having all the time in the world can be a curse. After that comes ‘how’ because no job would present itself unlest it is searched. My plan must include the answer to what, when and how.

The only fixed activity that I already have to fill my unemployment would be dance classes every afternoon, dance performance on September 29, a trip to Bali. Thus the second week will be spent for travelling to bali, and the third week will be spent for dancing only since a big performance is coming up on the 29th.

Being full time dancer require network, portfolio, and passing auditions. The only one I know  coming is on october. So, until October I’ll work on building a choreography portfolio. This should take about 3 hours a day. Also 1-2 hours of jogging and stretching in the morning.

Translation jobs need reputation. Reputation takes lots and lots of experience. I need to start build it. I haven’t figure out how much time this should take since I don’t know how to get the job.

Finding jobs at odesk.com would be easier if i’ve had recommendation, so if i want money I better start earning some recommendation (if not money) now. This, i figure should take 2 hours every 2 days starting from now until official resignation, and 4 hours a day afterwards.

Even the non-money making idea of taking cooking class require me enrolling in the cooking school that i’ve been eyeing for sometime now, or compiling recipe to try at home, both of which I also haven’t done. Perhaps this should take 2 hours every 2 days.

The only plan that doesn’t require me learning or doing anything new is only helping my friend’s wedding organizer, because i’ve done it a couple of times now. But I don’t like depending or hoping too much on it because at some points it feels like begging. This shall take 1-2 days of weekend in which I have no dance gig and some weekdays that I can spare.

So far this is my plan. Maney making is still vague but at least I have daily time allocation.

Next will be daily schedule per hours, then off to money making plan.

I am resigning

I am resigning from my current well-paid-and-sophisticated job unto unemployment and i know my life is about to begin.

I submited my resignation letter on July 6, and it elated me. But it’s only after 4 weeks that it finally sinks in:

I am resigning.

I’ve been dancing under the shower of happiness from the certainty of leaving this job I never love.

I do want to leave off applying for 8-to-5 job until at least 3 months from now. During that time I want to be a full time dancer and also start learning to cook in order to work my way toward my dream of owning a restaurant. These are my absolute reason for resigning.

It was only few minutes ago that I actually realized that resigning means I will have all the time in the world to myself. My ignorance is bizzare, I know, especially since my concerned boyfriend have been telling me zillion times to figure out what exactly I want to do past this job.

I’ve known before that I will have nothing to do, and that meaning I will be able to do the things that I love. That has filled my mind with the idea of dancing, cooking, taking english or other language course. All of which doesn’t immediately replace my job’s function as money generator.

But I had an idea about getting income. That include trying to find dance gigs, trying to find translation jobs, trying to cook/bake and sell it, finding jobs at odesk.com and helping my friend’s wedding organizer and hoping that there will be a lot of job to give. All of which are very vague and it wasn’t even until I write them here that I realize how vague my plan has been. Again, my ignorance, it’s bizzare, I know.

The last 6 years have been a series of ignoring the process of planning for the future.

After a busy 4 years in my campus,I went to work in my crazy office in which I have experienced birthdays, Christmases, and other holidays that were hardly planned. Those 6 years I’ve let life leads me to places, yet I didn’t control it. Heck, even the last 12 years was not truly in my control. All major choices that I made was the easy ones; including choosing junior high school, high school, college and first job. All of those choises were made by me, yet I did not seek for them. They came to me. This decision to resign was the first major decision I’ve  ever made because I seek for it.

So I decided, since I also didn’t get to write a lot during the last years, I will start writing my plan and this will become my journal.

And I cannot be more anxious, excited and scared..because my life is about to begin.

4 years ago, this day.

4 years ago I fell head over heels for you.
4 years ago, the life as I knew it, ended.

Before 4 years ago, I was a dreamer of love.
I dreamt of love as it's told in novels,
as it's acted out in movies,
as sung in songs, and as glorified in poems.

many times, crushes and adoration disappointed me.
more than n unrequited love, it is the lack of butterflies in my stomach that disappointed me.

but,
for the first time for me, love got out of hand. out of my imagination.
and that is 4 years ago.

I have known many feelings but this one.
a recognition, curiosity, retreat, adoration and then... decision.

a decision to love that came in a random heartbeat without prediction.
as if my heart suddenly realize that it has found what it looked for.
what it wanted, and still wants up until now.

it was a feeling so beautifully overwhelming,
that a dreamer like me was taken by surprise.
and then by fear.
the fear of losing it, of seeing it recede.

yet, we live it through to this day.
and this day, 4 years later, I looked back...
to your old pictures, to our old selves,
to how I used to look at you and adore you.

and to my biggest surprise,
those overwhelming feelings 4 years ago has grown into something beyond poetry, words, and imagination.

so profound that looking back, falling head over heels to you was only a beginning.
a beginning of a very wonderful journey.

somewhere along the way we promised each other to always go higher and higher.
and all along the way we made it happen.
and this is just another beginning.
beginning of our 5th year, and for many years to come.

and I wish to God we'll always know that our heart belongs together. because I swear it's you. :)

love,
me